I've now been a mum for three weeks and one day. So far nothing could have prepared me for this. The emotions and how hard it is to get things right. First of all the labour was hard, it took just over 18 hours and in the end I had to have an emergency cesarean. Going through the labour is one of the hardest things I have ever done but also one of the most amazing and strongest things I've ever done. I look at myself and at my body with a whole new perspective. I think we underestimate our bodies and undervalue them and it is all so stupid. Nothing matters anymore once you've given birth to your first child. Who cares about the stretchmarks on your belly or the little pouch that sticks out. You have just created another human being, a life, and given birth to the greatest love you will ever know. There is no greater love than the one you feel for your baby. If you have ever loved someone so much that it felt like your heart was going to burst, well take that and multiply it by a thousand and you might come close to feeling the love you will feel for your child, but you still wont be anywhere close. I look at her when she sleeps and my heart aches with love. Every time I have to wake up during the night to feed and change dirty nappies becomes a faint memory when I look at her. Every second of lost sleep and exhaustion is worth it. I wouldn't do this for anyone but my daughter. She deserves every second of my time and energy.
The first week was so hard for us. First of all the cesarean made it real hard to settle in to things and then when she stopped feeding the night after we came home things got even worse. We ended up in hospital a few days later again as she was getting dehydrated and I could not get her to eat. Everything looks so easy on film, but to be honest there is nothing that can prepare you for what is to come. You carry a baby for 9 months and then poooof she's in your arms and they send you home without knowing anything really. I do wish they were born with a manual but that don't happen unfortunately. I can tell you one thing though, the midwives in this country are something else. The support I've had through the hard first week has been life saving. These women deserve all the credit there is and more. I wish I could gather them all and give them a huge hug. Words just aren't enough for the gratitude I have for them.
Now that everything is working and my little girl is eating as she should and is packing on the pounds I finally have the time to sit down and look at the past three weeks and how strong I've become from this whole experience. I do cry an awful lot, I think mainly because it is so hard to get used to all the emotions I feel. There is so much that I haven't felt before, and the acceptance of my body that somehow always was something I looked down on, is new to me. I look at my "battle wounds" and I admire them rather than hate them. I feel so comfortable in myself and I think with Nova's birth I was re-born as well.
All I can say is that becoming a mum is the biggest thing I have ever experienced and that nothing else matters anymore. And I want all women who ever doubted themselves and their bodies to think again and look at yourselves in the mirror and no matter what size or shape you are, look at yourselves and remember what remarkable creatures you really are. You can create the greatest thing; LIFE and you can give birth to the greatest of love. Don't ever forget that, and think of this at your darkest hour. Your body is amazing! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
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